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EPISODE XIII

Vocals and Guitar - Olga
Bass and Vocals - Tommy Goober
Drums and Vocals - The Amazing Mr. Duncan
Produced by Michael (Olga) Algar
Mixed by Fred Purser
Recorded & Engineered by Adie Hardy & Fred Purser
Recorded at Unit 2 Studios, London, & Trinity Heights, Newcastle Upon Tyne.

ARTHUR CLARK'S A DARK HORSE

Arthur's in a world of sin
He's bonked more birds than Errol Flynn
Arthur, ARTHUR
He's got no shame
Who's to blame?
Dark horse Arthur
What's his name

ARTHUR, ARTHUR CLARK

He's fooled her, we concur
Arthur Clark's an imposter
Arthur, ARTHUR
He's got no yacht, and you know what
Arthur ain't no air pilot

ARTHUR, ARTHUR
ARTHUR, ARTHUR CLARK

Bigamist, you get the gist?
Arthur Clark's a con artist
Arthur, ARTHUR
Make no mistake
He's a snake
Dark horse Arthur
HE'S A FAKE

He shows no remorse
He's Arthur Clark of course
He's a shark, he's Arthur Clark, dark horse

Corrupted, he's crooked
Two-face Arthur she trusted
Arthur, ARTHUR
She's appalled with that dark,
What's he called?
Arthur Clark
What's he called?
ARTHUR CLARK

ARTHUR CLARK
Arthur Clark, Arthur Clark
Arthur, Arthur, Arthur Clark

BENNY THE BOXER

Way back then, she met Ben
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
He's a dumb, boxing bum
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He nuts bus conductors
Slaps shop keepers too

She's a mug, he's a thug
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
There's no doubt, he won nowt
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He beat Henry Cooper
But we saw no trophies
When we were around Benny's

BBBBBB Benny the boxer
Hey hey hey
BBBBBB Benny the b
Benny the b
Benny the boxer

Boxing skill
He's got nil
He can't box
It's bollocks

He fought Frank Bruno
But we know it ain't so
Coz he's just a yobbo

She left him, things got grim
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh
He got dumped, she got thumped
Hoodyaidi, hoodyyaidoh

He beat Henry Cooper

Way back then she met Benny

KNICKERS OFF IN MYKONOS

In Athens, she pretends
In Athens, she loves me
What a cheek
It's all Greek baloney
On a beach, outta reach
As she wished
She's done one, where's she gone
She vanished

I know, you know
We know where
Hell bent, she went there
Where?

In Mykonos, in Mykonos
Nickin' off, and gone 'n' got her knickers off in Mykonos now

At the pool, lookin' cool,
What a fool I searched there
In the room, full of gloom
I despair
All alone, back at home
What a drag
All because Mykonos
And that slag

I know, you know
We know where
Hell bent, she went there
Where?

In Mykonos, in Mykonos
Oh if only, he had o' known she's Shirley Valentine
In Mykonos, in Mykonos

THE LAPTOP LIFTER

The brasserie, pub or cafe,
Wherever you be, he'll go
A maniac, don't turn your back
He'll have yer Mac Book Pro

See me on CCTV
On the prowl for your PC
A tablet taking tragedy
But I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care, I don't care

He's the laptop lifter
Watch yer Ipad disappear
Hide your laptop
Laptop lifter's here

Don't leave yer chair, Ya better beware
He's gonna be there each day
Computer crook, now what's he took?
The minute you look away

Sony, Toshiba or Dell
I'll even pinch yer Packard Bell
He'll nick yer notebook,
That as well
Coz I don't care

Addicted, he should be doin' time
He's always led a thieving life o' crime
He can't stop so don't think twice
To leave your laptop or digital device

WAFFLE WOMAN

At breakfast in Belgium on our honeymoon
She says I'm poppin' out for shoppin'
I'll be back soon

Where the 'eck have you been
I guessed where she'd gone
She burped and cried as she denied her waffle addiction

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

Waffle woman, what a sight
Where did you get that appetite
Waffle scoffing, scoffing waffles night and day
She was such a shapely spouse
Until she hit that waffle house
Her belly burst and blew her blouse away
Waffle, waffles, waffles

One waffle week later
She's in for a shock
She's a pig, buttocks so big
They won't fit in her frock

She resembled Kate Moss
Slim and trim, skinny
She became fatty bum bum
She's two tonne Tessie

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

There's no need to fret
She said don't forget
When I get on me crash diet

No more

Waffle, recipes
It's low calories for me

In a Belgian bistro
We bid out fond farewells
She got so wide
She's stuck inside
Abandoned in Brussels

I, I, I wed a roly poly
I, I, I wed a roly poly

CHRISTINE'S CLOTHES

Steven we know, he's alright
Steven ain't no transvestite
Christine meantime she tells me
Steve's a two timing tranny

Now there's nowt that we can do
Since Steve became Danny La Rue
Paul O'Grady, he's a lady boy

And only Christine knows, where Steven goes
When Steve's in Christine's clothes

Not content in Christine's bra
Guess where Christine's panties are?
Steven's shirty there's no doubt
Steven's dirty secret's out

Now there's nowt that we can do
Since Steve became Danny La Rue
Paul O'Grady, he's a lady boy

Christine, where's Steven gone?
Christine, where's Steven gone?

SHE'S A WORKY TICKET

She's a little worky ticket
I bought her a king cone and she wouldn't lick it
She wanted the chocolate one
But when I got there they'd all gone

Yeah she's a worky ticket
Everywhere we go worky ticket
Leaves me standin' in the rain and freezin' in the snow
Worky ticket everywhere we go
Worky ticket
Worky ticket

Sent me up the pub for 20 L&B
But when I got back all she did was yell at me
Sittin' watchin' Dickens on the box
What's that funny smell
Ya better go 'n' wash yer socks

I couldn't bear it, not take any more
Grabbed me coat and me hat, slipped out of the door

She's a little worky ticket
I bought her a watch and she wouldn't fit it
I fixed it meself, now it's smashed upon the shelf
Doesn't fit, never mind...

EL CUMBANCHERO (Instrumental)

SEŃOR BENIDORM

Home from her holidays smitten and in a daze
She says it's just a phase, you'll see
I've only a guitar, he owns a Tapas bar
Now she's forever starved
Hungry

She's with that, ohhh
Spanish prat, ohhh
Always, always, always

On the Costa Blanca sands
Paella, new fella
His chorizo in her hands
With Señor Benidorm

I bought her tortilla, she's fraught and angrier
Slurping a sangria, nightmare
It can't be over yet, she says I am sorry pet
And nicked off on Easyjet back there

She's with that, ohhh
Spanish prat, ohhh
Always, always, always

Now I was outta luck
I've no recipe book and she knows
I cannot cook pinchos
Off to his Spanish pad
I knew that I'd been had
It's over now, it's adios

RICHARD CLAYDERMAN'S A CREEP

Liberace, I can see, you'll agree, he's unique
But this pompous git, must admit, thinks he's it, he's a freak

Ballade Pour Adeline's a disgrace
Steal his score coz he's a waste of space
Smash his smarmy, smash his smarmy face

Richard Clayderman's a creep
Richard, all the women wail and weep
Richard, Richard makes grannies gulp and blush
French blonde knob, he ain't no Bobby Crush

He never fails, with his scales, that the dames can't resist
But why all the fuss, for a dumb, hideous pianist

Oh that snotty old hat
Don't wanna see that piano prat's eyes of blue

Why's he, constantly, cocky smug and slimy?
And every single time he smiles, he makes me spew

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